Friday, December 04, 2009 @4:47 PM
There's an uncomfortable feelings within me and i know I'll feel co much better saying it out or in this case blogging it out on my almost dying blog. I figured it serve me good to actually shift my comfort zone to somewhere else, a place where i can vent it all out and i like the idea that this quiet place is unknown and abandoned by many.
For the past one week, i had tried so hard to explain the feelings that keep surfacing and up till today i couldn't find a logical, acceptable explanation for it. It started slowly and gradually and now overwhelming, so much so that i could no longer suppress it and control it.
I know I'm being horribly unfair and you might even say I'm selfish but you know what? i Don't really care. I've spent enough time worrying and caring about the feelings of others, consider others before myself and and the end of the day it got me no where. Never mind about gratitude, forget about being appreciated, maybe we could start somewhere along the line of resentment and hard feelings.
So i came to terms with growing up. It's not about learning from your mistake, not about picking yourself up after every fall, it is all about realising you cant change certain things no matter how hard you tried and dealing with losing when you least expect it to come.
These feeling are not new, I've encountered them previously and walked out of it. I used to hate the way it makes me feel-lousy and depressed. Now, the feelings are back. I hated it initially but then i came to terms with it. It's not so bad after you acknowledge what's within you. I guess the reason why i hated it was because i refuse to think that this is really happening but then again it wont change the fact just because you simply brush it away and simply awaits for a better
tmrThe next time somebody tells me that no matter how life changes, certain things in life remains a constant, i am going to look in his/her eyes and say: Bullshit. Nothing ever remains the same. What came as a surprise was that i actually took so long to realise it.
IT has got everything to do with changes. IT seeps in and took away a large part of you life till you could see nothing else. IT comes and break down the foundation and everything else crumbles till i could see and recognise all these faces yet start to loose touch with the people holding those familiar faces.
I used to be very bothered and disturbed by the vulnerability of it all. But at times it seems that i'll be kept disturbed as long as i
couldn't let go and start accepting what i had refused to see. So, i took easy on myself, give myself a chance to lead a better life by not to ask, to bother less and take whatever is thrown to be with a big fake plastic smile.
If you knew me, I'm not the kind of girl who keeps to myself, i share what's happening in my life but now, I'm learning to keep stuff to myself, starting to learn all about handling issues in my life alone instead of grabbing the chance to whine and and complain at the people around me. It may seems that i took too long to understand what life brings and what it does to change our perspective and our stand but then it's never too late to start understanding now, to start realising that there isn't anyone who is there forever.
The point of living and of being optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. I've done my fair share of being foolish, it's about time i wake up and by then you may have realised that I'm no longer the one you think you knew, then again it probably doesn't matter one way or another.
They say relationships are vulnerable and i think they actually refers to ALL kinds of relationships.
Thursday, May 28, 2009 @11:24 PM
The problem with coming clean was that you thought you were cleaning the state, starting over, but it never quite work that way. You didn't erase what you'd done. As i come to realised and understand, the stain would still be there, every time i looked at you, before i remembered to hide the disappointment in my eyes.
It was a little like a scar on a polished wooden table- you would try to see the rest of the gleaming surface, but your fingers would be drawn to the pitted part, the only thing that kept it from being perfect.
She had pretended not to see all the late nights, the missed call, the disconnections, because then she'd have been forced to make a choice.
Could you really love someone who was capable of falling in love with somebody else?
I remember reading somewhere about how courage and commitments come hand in hand together. You need courage to commit and commitment give you courage.
How often do we hear people around us expressing their fears and maybe their lack of faith to enter a commitment? How often do we hear the voice in our head questioning us and probably holding us back when new commitments are to be taken?
When we re-recognize the courage in us, maybe that's when we open up new opportunities and our ability to trust and commit again.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009 @11:18 PM
I think it's getting too emotional here and it's about time i post about something happier.
Of cos the first happy news is that my favourite boy is back :) It seems that he left not too long ago and now he's back here, it makes me feel happy, much happier in fact. I must give special thanks to the fierce competition in the airlines that causes the price of the tickets to be at their lowest.
The next happy issue.... actually there isn't anymore happy issue. Goodness, I didn't realised my life is so sad.
This weekend will be extra lonely cos both my parents plus the cousin whom i always bully will be in
Msia. I will be all alone at home with the television blasting to fill the empty house. I will probably end up doing stupid things of which i have not decided. Maybe i will end up being really retarded like hogging the Internet all day long and blogging a really extremely long post. But then again, i would have nothing to blog about. Right, i cant believe i faced difficulty in doing stupid, brainless things.
Oh well, there's always four buddies to keep me accompany- namely Macroeconomics, Prices and Market, investment law and business statistic. I think i should seek satisfaction in conquering all of them and getting As, right?
oh man, i don't feel any happier. If anything, it made me sadder.