Friday, December 04, 2009 @4:47 PM
There's an uncomfortable feelings within me and i know I'll feel co much better saying it out or in this case blogging it out on my almost dying blog. I figured it serve me good to actually shift my comfort zone to somewhere else, a place where i can vent it all out and i like the idea that this quiet place is unknown and abandoned by many.
For the past one week, i had tried so hard to explain the feelings that keep surfacing and up till today i couldn't find a logical, acceptable explanation for it. It started slowly and gradually and now overwhelming, so much so that i could no longer suppress it and control it.
I know I'm being horribly unfair and you might even say I'm selfish but you know what? i Don't really care. I've spent enough time worrying and caring about the feelings of others, consider others before myself and and the end of the day it got me no where. Never mind about gratitude, forget about being appreciated, maybe we could start somewhere along the line of resentment and hard feelings.
So i came to terms with growing up. It's not about learning from your mistake, not about picking yourself up after every fall, it is all about realising you cant change certain things no matter how hard you tried and dealing with losing when you least expect it to come.
These feeling are not new, I've encountered them previously and walked out of it. I used to hate the way it makes me feel-lousy and depressed. Now, the feelings are back. I hated it initially but then i came to terms with it. It's not so bad after you acknowledge what's within you. I guess the reason why i hated it was because i refuse to think that this is really happening but then again it wont change the fact just because you simply brush it away and simply awaits for a better
tmrThe next time somebody tells me that no matter how life changes, certain things in life remains a constant, i am going to look in his/her eyes and say: Bullshit. Nothing ever remains the same. What came as a surprise was that i actually took so long to realise it.
IT has got everything to do with changes. IT seeps in and took away a large part of you life till you could see nothing else. IT comes and break down the foundation and everything else crumbles till i could see and recognise all these faces yet start to loose touch with the people holding those familiar faces.
I used to be very bothered and disturbed by the vulnerability of it all. But at times it seems that i'll be kept disturbed as long as i
couldn't let go and start accepting what i had refused to see. So, i took easy on myself, give myself a chance to lead a better life by not to ask, to bother less and take whatever is thrown to be with a big fake plastic smile.
If you knew me, I'm not the kind of girl who keeps to myself, i share what's happening in my life but now, I'm learning to keep stuff to myself, starting to learn all about handling issues in my life alone instead of grabbing the chance to whine and and complain at the people around me. It may seems that i took too long to understand what life brings and what it does to change our perspective and our stand but then it's never too late to start understanding now, to start realising that there isn't anyone who is there forever.
The point of living and of being optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. I've done my fair share of being foolish, it's about time i wake up and by then you may have realised that I'm no longer the one you think you knew, then again it probably doesn't matter one way or another.
They say relationships are vulnerable and i think they actually refers to ALL kinds of relationships.