Monday, December 15, 2008 @11:42 AM
Just the other day while shopping with a fellow friend, we happened to chance upon our friend’s boyfriend out with a girl and this just had to happen when it was just a few weeks back that we heard from a third party that he seems to be having some kind of ambiguous relationship with another girl. VERY COMPLICATED I know. And it brings me back to a whole series of memories and emotions.
GOD DAMN IT.
And so I admit there was just this moment, okay maybe just two days when I got upset all over again and, start firstly by hating you for ruining my life and then somehow along the line I ended up hating myself for allowing you to ruin my life.
It's like i had forced and squeezed all emotions in a tiny box in he shortest possible time, fooling everyone that i am alright, wistfully thinking that i will stay the way i wanted it. And now, the damn box is opened by a stranger with a whole lot of memories that came rushing out and i am overwhelmed by all the feelings i had tried to hide.
I’d sometimes be physically sick because I was so unsure of where I stood, wondering if I’d been traded in for someone else. It
wasn't the being traded in; it was the not knowing if I'd been traded in. Not knowing that while I went happily about my daily business, he was lying beside some other woman and making plans for their future together. Probably my greatest fear was being duped, someone getting you to trust them and then betraying the trust.
a door left open
a woman walking by
a drop in the water
a look in the eye
a phone on the table
a man on your side
someone that you think that you can trust is just
another way to die
I’d survived one affair and even though it made me grew as person and though I am older and much wiser now, I
didn't want those emotions back.
Someone had asked if there was really a reason to why there can't be a second chance. Was it really because the mistake was an unforgivable one or simply because we can’t put aside our pride to allow the person to make it right? A bit of both I guess. But even so I believe the mistake itself is the primary factor.
Recently, it became much clearer to me that whoever that goes and has a fling and come back asking for a second chance saying that they realised after the mistake that you are the most important is really nothing but a whole lot of bullshit. People generally don't screw up if it really means the world to them. If it's really so very important, you will make it right the first time, not the second chance.
Something that I had gotten out of my last relationship is that the most anyone can ever promise you is the hope of staying around indefinitely, and anyone who says differently is either lying or fooling themselves. There are no guarantees, just like there’s no forever.
What you didn't understand was that what you had could never make up for what you'd lost.