Monday, January 14, 2008 @9:43 PM
I have been trying to gather my thoughts last night and sadly to say, even after one sleepless night there is still yet any decision made on my part.
When people around me start to point an accusing finger at you, i was left hopeless, unable to defend for you and for myself.
I tried, i honestly tried. But what can i do when i know too well that what they said are true?
You are really not someone who will give a damn to the feelings of people around you. At times i even find you selfish and difficult. But because i can deal with your lousy attitude, because i can at least try to accept and maybe tolerate this difficult man that i had chosen to fancy i know i cant expect others close to me to do so as well. However, when those close to me, the very people who have seen me grown over the last few years, whose opinions and advice i value tells me straight in my face that you are horrible i know i have no escape. Not only because i knew that every word and accusation pointed at you are true but also because those are the very things i am so afraid to face up too.
Up till yesterday, a part of me had always tried to stand up for you to justify your condemning actions. A argument within myself always take place trying in vain to convince myself that those impressions that people had are somewhat false because they do not know the real you, what they saw was actually a exaggerated image that you protrayed. But somehow, a conversation yesterday put a stop to all the struggles within me. Maybe its because for the first time, i find myself speechless in trying to defend you, or maybe its because some things that she said struck a chord and make me realise just how blind i was. For whatever reason, i came to realise that i have been childishly hiding from reality, stubbornly rejecting the hard ugly truth that is right under my nose.
You know i will really like my friends to like you and to maybe even understand why i am attracted to you-something that i cant really figure out. But when reality turns it's head on me i have little choice but to embrace it with pain.
To be caught in between you and my friends seems to be the worst nightmare that has happened and one which i hope to wake up from as soon as possible. it had been my greatest wish for my boyfriend to get along well with my friends for somewhere deep in my heart i know that friends will like you when you are the right one for me.
When one of my close girlfriends actually asked me outright to stay away from you, i am lost. For one, i know she is the most reasonable and practical person i have met and i know she will not intervene in my relationship unless she really really thinks that you are bad news and is trying to stop me form plunging into danger zone. Secondly it also a final verdict that my friends hate you and will never ever like you unless you undergo a drastic makeover in your personality-something i know you will never do.
Yet all these feelings within me can never be made known to you. No matter how well you know me, how many things i can tell you, this is going to be the biggest secret i have to keep from you. Because i know its hurting. We once talked about this issue and i know it's just as important to you that friends of the girl you like to accept you.
At times i wonder why i ever took a liking to you in the first place. You were so different from what i have been hoping for. Never in my life will i expect myself to even like you as a friend let alone be attracted to you.
Then again you know what they say about love being blind. I guess i must be really blind then.
Maybe it's the fact that i can be so comfortable in your presence, so easy to start talking to you.
I know i should remain clear-headed but somehow when dealing with issues concerning you, calmness always end up at the bottom of the list. I know the best i can do for myself is to protect myself and to prevent any possible future pain. But it came to a point where i know its just as painful for me to walk out of your life.
For a part of me likes the way you seek out for me, the little ways you depend on me but ironically those are exactly the same things that turn my friends off.
"If you cannot decide what to do, follow your heart"Right now, my heart is sending me all sort of different signals, so which one should i follow?